The Lootitudes (Part I)
And seeing the multitudes, corruption went up into Aso Rock; and when he was set, the politicians came unto him;And he opened his mouth, and taught them, saying: Blessed are the clueless in wisdom; for theirs is the Presidency of the nation.Blessed are they that rig elections, for they shall be elected.(5) Blessed are the thieves; for they shall inherit the National Assembly.Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after public funds; for their accounts shall be filled. Blessed are the bribe-takers, for they shall obtain big bribes. Blessed are the Petroleum Ministers, for they shall loot trillions.(9) Blessed are the bootlickers, for they shall be called the Federal Executhief Council.(10) Blessed are they which are prosecuted for corruption’s sake; for theirs is the kingdom of wealth.(11) Blessed are ye, when EFCC shall invite you, and interrogate you, and bring all manner of charges against you, for my sake.(12) Rejoice, and be exceedingly glad; for fat are your accounts in Swiss banks; for so they prosecuted the politicians which were before you.(13) Ye are the thieves of the nation; but if the thief have lost his craftiness, wherewith shall he be looting? It is thenceforth good for nothing, but to be charged to court, and be sentenced to prison.(14) Ye are the liars of the nation, a lie that is carefully thought-out cannot be found out.(15) Neither do politicians cook a big lie, and serve it to SaharaReporters, but to NTA; and it gives false hope unto all that watch the 9pm news.(16) Let your gowns so flow before men, that they may see your big loots, and glorify your father which is in Ota.(17) Think not that I am come to arrest the fuel marketers(18) For verily I say unto you, till heaven and earth pass, one naira or one kobo shall not be left in the Federation Account, but all be looted away.19) Whosever shall break one of these least commandments, and shall teach men so, he shall be called the Asiwaju in the kingdom of corruption; but whosoever shall do and teach them, the same shall be called BOT Chairman in the kingdom of corruption.(20) For I say unto you, except your corruption shall exceed the corruption of policemen and lawmakers, ye shall in no case enter into the kingdom of immunity.(21) Ye have heard that it was said by them of the old time, Thou shall not loot; and whosoever shall loot shall be in danger of the judgment:(22) But I say unto you, That whosoever is angry with his party without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment: and whosoever shall say, stop looting, shall be in danger of penury, the elder brother of poverty.(23) Therefore if thou bring thy loot to the UK, and there rememberest that the EFCC has case against thee(24) Leave thy loot in a UK bank and go to Dubai; first be reconciled to the EFCC Chairman and come and enjoy thy loot.(25) Bribe thy prosecutors quickly while thou art in the way with him; lest at any time he deliver thee to the judge, and the judge sentence thee, and thou be cast into prison.(26) Verily I say unto you, thou shall by no means come out thence, till thou hast entered a plea bargain.